Liev the Liar, Part II

I was mortified. Why am I always caught in the middle of aggressive LA people who create awkward situations in restaurants? Do people in Los Angeles have some kind of fetish about embarassing one another in public? I took a brief pause and sat for a minute with alcohol in my eyes, and ice cubes in my shirt. People at nearby tables gasped, and I looked like a fool. If anyone deserved a drink in the face, it was Liev the liar, not Theo the Truther.

Now what could I do? There's no reasoning with someone once their drink is dripping off your earlobes. I was not trying to start an arugument with him, nor was I particularly angry about his lies. Of course, I was no longer interested in seeing him again, but that should have been MY decision, not HIS. Instead, he beat me to the punch, "I want no part of someone who is going to put that much importance on a little number. I wish you good luck finding any friends in this town with your angry bad attitude, Theodore." He said this for the benefit of everyone within earshot and then stormed out into the cold night air. Again, onlookers assumed the worst about me, not him.

My ego had been tested far beyond its usual limits, and I was not about to let Liev slink away unscathed. I dried off my head with my napkin, grabbed his steak knife and headed out of Cheebo...hoping to catch him at the valet, before he drove away. When I got onto the sidewalk of Sunset Blvd, I assured the waitress who had chased me outside that I'd be back to take care of the bill and even invited her to watch. I wasn't blinded by rage, nor was I seething with adrenaline. I just knew that I needed to teach him a lesson.

He didn't even valet. He had found street parking on Spaulding. He was leaning against his car, motor running, cellphone up against his ear. I tossed the steak knife onto the ground and tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around, I grabbed him by his shirt collar and slammed him up against the hood of his BMW. His cellphone fell to the ground and he kept yelling "Oh MY GOD." He had no idea what to do or how to behave. He looked frightened and was shaking a little bit. It was priceless. "I always get angry when people lie to me, I'm sorry if that offends you, jackass."

I'd never belt a dude who wears glasses, that's the same thing as kicking another man in the balls. No matter what the provocation, you simply don't do that to another person, because you know how painful it is to get kicked in the balls. Same thing with a guy who wears glasses. Plus, guys in glasses are usually sexy if they aren't fat and bald. Instead, I chose a far less convenient location to enact my revenge. I picked up the steak knife and stabbed it into his rear passenger tire. Then I walked home, since I live so close to Cheebo. Their baked goat cheese salad really is delightful. I order that whenever I eat there since their pizzas and pastas are unpredictable. Irene is dead meat in the morning.