I am not making this up.

I have just eaten three jars of peanut butter in as many hours. I needed to somehow calm my nerves, but this isn't working.

In Koreatown around 7pm, I was turning a corner in my black Mercedes. Unbeknownst to me a half a block up the selfsame street, a white man carrying a bag of Carl's Jr. and a jumbo soda began jaywalking across my lane of traffic. Naturally, I noticed and did not accelerate to avoid hitting him. I did, however, beep the horn with what I thought was a jaunty-and-quick, non-angry beep. Until he stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the street to curse me out, and to locate a middle finger to point at me, I was driving at a slow pace, several yards behind him.

From his location, he pummeled the Jumbo Fat drink into my windshield with inertia significant enough to shred the cardboard cup and splatter ooze all over the front of my car. Soda flew everywhere. I watched the wilted cup slide across the hood of my car and disappear onto the ground as I drove away. Three ice cubes came into my sunroof and landed in the back seat. I almost split my sides laughing. I had to pull over to the side of the road because I almost peed my pants. I was, however, a little concerned because as I drove past him, he told me to fuck off, and his face was contorted in anger. I happened to catch a glimpse of it. If that drink had been a gun, I probably would have missed the whimsey of this situation entirely. Instead, I lived to wash my car another day, and he was forced to eat his dinner without a beverage.