The Coffee Enema Mistake

My friend Faye and I were talking about Janet Jackson again, and this time she left me a one page instruction sheet on the coffee enema, which I thought I had followed to the T. I must have done something terribly wrong as I just got home from the emergency room.

I brewed a pot of Kona and Jheri Rigged an enema bag on a bookshelf hanger next to my bed. I lubed myself and inserted the tip. As I let go of the clip, the coffee began to flow. I was astonished that the temperature was so hot, but I continued, as Janet Jackson said nothing about letting the coffee come to room temperature first. I thought the whole idea was to do it very hot. There were no cramps to speak of, but it was a shocking feeling for me. I got scared, so I tried to relax, but the coffee was so scorching, I think that my anus got confused as to the hot/cold sensations. Due to the shock of it all, I took the full bag before my mind registered an agonizing and burning pain.

I got up as quickly as I could to expel it in the bathroom and when I did the pain hit me even worse than before. I doubled over and I'm not even sure what I was saying or how loud I was, but I do remember screaming a lot. My insides were throbbing, and when the caffeine finally started to hit me, it made my heart race.

I tried to soak myself in a tub of cold water, put ice cubes up my ass to stop the burning, but nothing worked. Finally, 3 hours later, my neighbor Joe (the single father with the twins) had to pick me up off of the cold tile floor of my bathroom and carry me to the car where we went to the emergency room. He said he threw cold water on me to bring me back because I was losing consciousness, and I don't really remember much of my experience until I woke up in the hospital the next day.

All in all, the doctor told me I was lucky, that the coffee had only caused 1st degree burns of the colon, lower and sigmoidal, and part of my uterus.