Pour me some EFFEN Vodka, damnit.

Effen is really nice. One of the nicest vodkas I've ever had. Sometimes, in my lonliness, I'll stay home on a Friday night, shmoke on some doobie, and nurse a hot load of colors in the laundry room while scrubbing tile in the bathroom.

Oftentimes, I'm feeling randy, and my nose is anesthetized by household ammonia so much, I begin to crave decadent things. Vodka, ice cold from the freezer in a tumbler, some Rachmaninoff Vespers on the stereo, and a candy dish full of dark cholocates. You can listen to Rachmaninoff sober, but I wouldn't recommend it. The intese sexuality in the musical phrases is enhanced by the Vodka. It is hard to explain, so you just have to trust me. Smoking pot would transform the piece into a porno for your eardrums. I guess this random collection of decadence can be attributed to my hairy chest and brooding Eastern European heritage.

So tonight, after the household chores and a feast on the dark chocolate/Vodka combo that only the bulimic can appreciate, I sat down to write Effen Vodka a little constructive feedback. Effen is an awesome product, (go visit their website, it is awesome too: www.jstar.com) but my two bottles so far have had really terrible bottle caps. Here's what I wrote:


Dear Effen Vodka,

I think that your vodka is a wonderful product, but the packaging, innovative and cutting edge, is not designed for customers who store their opened bottle of Effen in the freezer, tightly corked, cork on tightly, fyi.

When the bottle is frosty on the outside, the surface becomes slippery, and will not allow any grip that facilitates easy twist action removal of the cork. The little black cap affixed to the cork is rendered ineffective once the cork has expanded into the frozen bottle.

I finally got my bottle of EFFEN opened, but lost half of it in the accident that I won't describe. NOWTHEN. If I had an accident that I'm embarassed to discuss, you can plainly see that I had a dickens of a time getting that cork out.

How disappointing.