I have Vagina Envy.

I had heard there was something fishy brewing down at the Virginia Theatre, and today, the NY Times sent me an email with a special offer to see AN ASTONISHING NEW AMERICAN MUSICAL. Astonishing? Now tell me something. Why in the world do I want to see Sutton Foster in Little Women? I have no problem with chirpy Broadway Babette's at all. They're great. It is all the Little Women I have the problem with. And I personally LOVE the way Maureen McGovern sang the theme song to the The Poseidon Adventure, "The Morning After, " so seeing her as Marmee would probably be kick ass too.

This show has also gotten great reviews. But come on. Isn't this novel generally regarded as one of those really boring books that all teenage girls are supposed to read? And the ones who haven't read it, haven't really suffered much as a result, right? Maybe it has something to do with me being a guy, but that menstruation scene was difficult to handle and left some unpleasant memories. And what is going to happen once Sutton Foster leaves the show? Will they bring in Mary Kate and Ashley? Maybe I'm further biased against this crock of shit because I'm gay and am suffering from Vagina Envy? Who can tell.

Or maybe it is my aversion to all things American, but I really think these Classic works of fiction might need to be updated a bit. I hope this new one works toward that goal. Is this going to be a cutting edge, hi definition retooling or just one of 20 other musical versions of Little Women out there? Hasn't EVERY girl been in a musical version of Little Women at some point in their lives? Can we hurry up and get a definitive Little Women Musical so we can stop all this nonsense already? New York has had ENOUGH! Myself myself confound.